Friday, August 15, 2014

Guess we were wrong.

Another summer has come and gone and the Rowe Family still resides in NM. Our plans to move to Idaho didn't work out and for the moment we are staying here. Both fortunately and unfortunately I left my job at UNM. I enjoyed my job but I wanted to have the summer to move and prepare the kids for a new home and new school. Then summer came and went and the hope of moving did as well. A new school year has started and once again I'm a stay at home mom. I've learned a few things of over these last few years; 1. I love to work 2. I cannot be great at both a 40 hour a week job and being a mom 24/7, something always suffers. 3. The school morning rush to get kids and myself to school and work caused more stress than it was worth, never again. 4. Being at home with the kids after school is good for them and myself. 5. The house runs smoother and cleaner when I am not working 40 hours a week. 6. Being a full time stay at home mom is not what I want to do with my life. 7. I need to work part time, only if all the kids are in school. For two years I tried to have a career without it having a negative impact on our lives. Maybe if I only had one or two kids I might have been successful, but I couldn't manage with four. Once the cold and flu season hit I was done, both years. I dreading having to call into work, explaining that I was out, again, with another sick child. That feeling was nothing compared to the feeling of knowingly sending a child to school when he/she felt sick, but not having any options. I always felt like I was letting someone down. Eventually I had to thrown in the towel. I'm sure there are people who can do it all, but I am not one of them. I am ok with this. 2014 was a hard year for our family. We had some bad and incredibly sad events that happened in our lives, and in the light of it all I reevaluated what I was doing. I realized that I was working for myself, and that was ok, but I had to decided if it was going to be worth it years down the road. I knew it wasn't. Simultaneously I knew my job was suffering, and that I would never be able to give it the attention it deserved, not while I still had young kids at home. I tried to get back on track but I realize I was never on the track. I was somewhere on the side of it trying to hop on. It's not easy to admit defeat and I've been embarrassed for the past month thinking I quit when it "got hard." Then this week happened. First Ava got a stomach bug, then Nova got a cold, school started, I caught the cold and have been battling it for the past three days. First time since I left Sociology that we have been this sick and I noticed a huge difference, the work dread was gone. I still have the "Crap the kids are sick dread", but not the stress of calling in. If I had still been with Sociology this would have been a horrible week to miss work, and I would have. The moment I realized this I began to think differently about my decision. Picking the kids up from school on the first day, seeing their teachers and making contact with other parents allowed me to see that this may have been a rash decision, but I am now feeling it was meant to be. All things happen for a reason. Also as a side note I know I left the Sociology Dept in good hands, as my friend Shoshanna replaced me. I am confident she will be able to give the wonderful Sociology graduate students the advisement they deserve. (I really did like working these these individuals, they are all amazing and they blow my mind with the amount of time and effort they put into their academic careers.) Now I have to figure out what to do. First thing is to get Riot in a preschool. He is on a few waiting lists and hopefully he will be in a preschool within the next few weeks. Then I can put all my efforts into figuring out what I can do. I'm open to some suggestions. Meanwhile I look forward to what will be, I hope, a smoother school year for the kids. School may have just started but I've seen a difference in them, both getting ready in the morning and in coming home at the end of the day. This may not be how I expected this school year to start but I can't complain about how it is. I'm lucky to be home with the kids and I know many people would feel the same way. I'm keeping this in mind this year. We may still move, nothing is for certain. So I'm still around, and maybe once I do get Riot into a program will have a few hours to work, or meet people for coffee. Keeping my fingers crossed. Don't be surpirsedday you happen to see me working at Starbucks or Barnes and Noble, (part time dream jobs...hoping they have flexible hours and great discount). Next year Riot will be in kindergarten and then maybe I can move back into the real world, but on our family terms this time, I hope. This picture is from their first day of school. Ava is now a 8th grader, Kennedy a 4th grader and Nova is in 1st grade. Riot refused to be a part of the picture but I'll post one once he starts (fingers crossed) preschool. Until then I'll just keep looking forward.

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